hehe ok, enough of that.
I had a blog on livejournal at one time, but I quit doing that. I got a bit parinoid.
I have got so much to say, whether you find it interesing or not I don't know.
My blogging idol is Casey Serin, and he is the inspiration for why I started blogging in the first place. I have kids his age, and I just hate to see him screw up the way he does, but it gives me insight to the mind of a young person with dreams (or illusions) if grandour. But the reason he keeps on blogging is so people can learn from his mistakes, or so he says.
But I am 20 years his senior, so I have made nearly twice as many mistakes, I learned some lessons. Now if I could go back and do it all over again knowing what I know now I would jump on the chance.
Now as I search the internet wayback machine for this tasty morsel, my first online essay written nearly 10 years ago:
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Welcome weary traveler
Come inside, sit and be comfortable. There is a love story that will either break your heart or give you hope to go on. Let me show you what I have found.
so far 4251 Weary travelers have stumbled across my threshold.
"The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery. There comes a leap in consciousness, call it intuition or what you will, the solution comes to you and you don't know how or why." "The truly valuable thing is the intuition." -Albert Einstein-
I read somewhere about a truly gothic birthday was not sending out smurf invitations and having a big party with all your teenie bopper friends but a truly Gothic Birthday was you alone in you room sobbing uncontrolably in the dark because everyone either forgot you existed or no one cared it was your birthday. This is simmilar. You will not find any fancy wedding cake with a Gargoyle on top or a snazzy Get-up for the groom Or a picture of the 250 Year old church.
This is a true Horror story with a peaceful new begining...
True love isn't easy to find.
One heartbreak after another.
My first marriage fell into a nightmare.
A nightmare most cannot relize and if there is a god most could not experience. My sacrifice and loss goes beyond material things.
It is said that a first marriage is the victory of Love over common sence but a second marriage is the victory of Hope over experience.
There is still hope in my heart...
I lived in Reno, Nv for most of my life. I left my abusive husband for the last time in Feburary 1997. I moved into a crappy subsidized 2 bedroom apartment in the 2nd worst part of town. I tried to remain civil and let my ex see the children whenever, to have access to his family. For the next 2 years my life was hell, I was stalked... My mail was stolen, my home broken into when I was at work and any pawnable items were stolen. I was attacked and beaten daily in my own home and was helpless to do anything about it. The perpetrater was my Ex-Husband. TPO orders has no effect, When I called the police they were usless because this was a 'domestic incident'. Besides when the police would go to arrest him he would say 'I invited him over' or 'she started it' even though I was defending myself in my own apartment. When you get married to an abuser the Law does not apply anymore. You are his property to be toyed with and victimized untill he ceases to be amused anymore. Any thought of personal happiness is obliterated, all you can do is try to survive and hope your Ex does not get to pissed off that day. He finnaly went to jail for assault in late June 1999. He attacked one of my neibors who came to help me. He was relesed 6 weeks later and he was pissed.
Here is a Gothic Love Story...
The Night Things Changed - Gothic Male Seeks Soulmate
Well that title caught my eye. Yes, I met Dale at Excite online Personals. The Date was August 26, 1999. I was 33 Years old. This was a man who seemed more in a personal hell than I was. I was browsing through the Classifieds using keywords and this personal ad poppd up in my search results. I went on to read it- I replied- in hopes of having a pen pal to pass the time. He replied- I called Him- He told me to call him collect- I did- we talked - the first time we taked we talked for about 3 hours. We found a common ground. There was the past heartache, we had both learned well from it. The past did not bother him, he was not being haunted and stalked by it. That brought a amount of respect that did not exist in my life. He knew what he wanted, I did not feel I fit his expectations. The Phone calls were schedualed to fit when we would both have free time. Then the phone calls became daily, then twice a day. I worked the graveyard shift and would call him to wake him up in the morning , I would call him in the evening before I went to work. Every waking moment would be spent on the phone.
The Meeting..
This is where it gets sureal. He wanted to meet me in person. I did not belive he would send me airline tickets. But they were there when I picked them up at the airport. One round trip ticket from Reno to Nashville, TN. I stayed 1 week with him. I was finnaly at peace with myself. I was not afraid when I was with him. My parents told me that Kelly broke into my apartment when I was away, that did not bother me anymore. It is then that Dale asked me to move in with him.
I returned to Reno and immediatly Prepared to move.
I move 2000 miles
If there can be a force so strong as love, that is hard to explain. I felt a love so strong I moved 2000 miles away, gave up the home and life and family I knew, my new furniture, my apartment, just about all my clothes and other personal items. I packed up my kids and bare nessecities and got ready to go. My ex tried to take the kids by picking them up at school the friday before Halloween 1999 and no one told me. He moved form his mothers house into a motel and I had no idea where they went. That was true fear and panic . Once again the police could not do anything because he was their father. The children returned on their own one by one, First Amber, then a few days later Sean, Then we ran into them down the street and Sky came up to me and said she wanted to come home. I took her hand and walked away with her. We were leaving in less than a week so I then took my children out of school and I the school why I did this. The school reported this to Kelly , My social worker and to the Police. The police and my social worker said there is nothing they can do to stop me. They understood what was going on. All went well that last week and things were going smoothly then the night we were to leave the Police came. They had an order submitted to the courts by my Ex Husband saying that I cannot leave the state of Nevada with my children. I was given full custody of my children in the writ but I could not leave Nevada with them. This was a last ditch effort from my ex to destroy my freedom. My sister called Dale in a panic, Dale finnaly relized just what abuse can do. I drank a couple of Southern Comfort on the rocks , I ignored the order and left at midnight on December 6th 1999.
The cycle of abuse does not end when you leave the abuser
You can run away, you can hide, but you cannot hide for long. You have to lie to get your children into Public school, you have to be afraid he will find you agian and again. And if you do run away to escape your hell, you will lose your children. it is a simple fact, You took His children 2000 miles away - he does not have access to control you anymore so he will do what he can. He will get custody of his children. No matter how happy they are, no matter how well adjusted your new family is. The courts do not care if he is a violent criminal, for god sakes he is their father. Who cares if he lives in a Motel - He can't see his kids without beating up their mom so hey- let's solve this problem by taking her kids away. He is a criminal and he has rights by god. More rights than his 5 inocent victims. And if Mom loves her children she will follow them and return to Him Right?
Wrong.
The most heartbreaking Day of my life was when I handed my children over to him and then silently walked away. These are the only children I will have, I exchanged them for my freedom. I refused to go back to my Hell waiting for me in Reno, NV. I have not seen my Children since that day April 22, 2000.
But through the Gloom There is a dim light shining
I had Dale, the man who would just hold me when I was upset and not ask why. He reminded me how My Ex was trying to control me and he would get upset fearing I would leave him and return to Reno where my children and family are. His fear was unfounded, it did not make much sense to return to Reno, I tried that before. The more I tried to make things right the more I failed. It did not work. Besides we still have Joel. My oldest son. We have a beautiful house in the country and I have someone who I have lived with for 2 Years now, someone who has never lied to me, who has never raised a hand to me, someone who has never said a cruel word to me. One who I am at peace with. The way to cope was to focus on what I had left, not what I lost. Dale and I were married in a simple ceremony on Halloween in Lebanon, TN.
No was is invited. There was no reception. There is Love between us and that is all we need.
Do not marry the one you can live with, marry the one you cannot live without.
Subject: Sorry, but you inspire me
From: TamaithandDale@aol.com
Date: Thu, Oct 14 1999 8:05:46 PM EDT
To Tammy, 10-14-99
Deep Thoughts
Deep thoughts of you and I constantly run through my mind,
Because of you my world is a better.....brighter place.
You are all that I have ever dreamed of a unique precious find,
A true gem that could never be replaced.
I have searched an eternity for a perfect love like you,
You bring balance to a life filled with lies and pain.
You create light in what was forever dark.....you can't realize the things
you do,
Your love heals the wounds that time has brought, your sunshine cancels all
the rain.
I wish to spend my life showing you that true love does exist,
You do not know how special you are...and the hope you have given me.
I wish to dedicate my life to you, and give you all the love you have missed,
I promise to hold you in my arms and be beside you eternally.
Somehow....someway I will prove my love and it will stand the test of time,
You inspire me to be my best and to do things I'd never do.
Always remember the deep thoughts of you that are in my mind,
And that I will forever be deeply in love with you.
All my love,
Dale
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